It’s 9am on Saturday. Today I have to bake cookies, decorate them, and bake two character cakes with decoration. I also need to finish Magdalena’s doll and sew the doll some clothes. Doll clothes shouldn’t take long, yes? To top it off, I need to run to the store to get shortening for icing and veggie spray so my cakes don’t stick to the pan. But I’m really tired, and it’s *really* cold so I don’t want to go out and I don’t want to take the girls out. I need someone to come sit over here for 10 minutes. I should call my Papa. And I should probably finish up cleaning the house for the big Par-tey tomorrow. **yawn**

When did you feel your baby move? More importantly, when did you feel your baby move on second pregnancies (or third, fourth, whatever.) I felt Magdalena REALLY early at 14 weeks and consistently at 15 weeks. Currently I’m almost 12 weeks.

Anyway, last night I was laying in bed all relaxed after my shower and I felt a series of popping in my lower belly. It didn’t feel like gas, just like some sort of popping. It was to far foward to be gas or my bowels or anything. Just popping. This morning I felt the same thing. It’s crazy, but could this actually be the baby, this early?

Just when I thought I could relax as I was sailing towards the 12 week mark, I was taught a lesson. It’s not over, until the fat lady sings (or until the baby cries, whatever.)

Yesterday, after a particularly stressful week (remember that damn turkey? nuff said) I started having these cramps that turned into contraction like cramps. You know the ones that wrap around your body, hug on to your kidneys, then radiate right into your crotch? Yup those. And all I could think was Oh.My.God.Not.Now.Please.

Erich wanted to go straight to the hospital and I said (through snot and tears) not right now. If we are losing it, we can’t do anything. The cramps/ctx type thingies stopped after a glass of water and a few refreshing breaths. I did have some sort of bottom/cervix pain, but no spotting or bleeding.

So this morning I felt great, and after that 6am rush, I took T and Magdalena to ToysRExpensive to LOOK at the toys to make a list for Santa. We met up with Erich for lunch (and scored two free meals since they didn’t get our food out in less than 14 minutes) and we all came home. I sent the girls to take naps and sat down to start checking email. I had just opened up Diaper Pin (which I still have not been able to read) when I got this gigantic cramp. Mind you I wasn’t doing anything but sitting on the couch tapping on my laptop. And then after the second cramp, I started having a panic attack. I could.not.breath. I called Erich, frantic, and he told me to go straight to the ER. Through snot and tears (again), I said I’d call the OB.

But obviously, the OB was not in the office and the on call doc was paged. She called me back and told me not to panic. (She says to the lady who just finished a $3000 cycle of drugs and one year of TTC.) She said I should not panic at this point because I was not bleeding or spotting. I did mention that over the last day or two I’ve been feeling sick and like not eating. She said that there was no way to get an “official ultrasound” until Monday, but that I should go into the ER and have them take a look. She said that they would listen to the heartbeat , do an ultrasound, and check urine. Her guess was I was getting the flu.

So I call Erich and fill him in. Then I call my mother and tell ask her politely to meet me at the hospital to help with Magdalena and T. Then I pack everyone up and we head to the hospital.

After checking in and handling meltdown #1, they escort us back to my room. The nurse comes in promptly and I kid you not says, “take off your clothes.” Sweet. Anyway, the ER does not have a doppler and only has a fetoscope. After five minutes of her looking and telling me “don’t panic” she finds “the buggar” (She actually said this and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Oh well. And I wasn’t panicked because I’m barely 10 weeks and baby is small.) FHT were in the 140s and baby sounded fine. She let me listen, which was nice.

Then the doctor came in (why oh why are ER docs always cute young boys while family docs are old and wrinkly?) with the ultrasound. After feasting my eyes upon him seeing him all I could think was “please God do not make this a vag u/s.” He said at 10 weeks we should be able to see baby with minimal trouble through the belly. And he was right. He instantly saw my “enlarged” uterus and there was baby, hanging out, moving around, and with a strong heartbeat. I wish I could have seen this beauty, but I couldn’t as the u/s machine was like a laptop and you couldn’t see it unless you were at the right angle. He tried to print a picture, but of course, the printer was out of paper. Anyway, he assured me that baby looked appropriate measuring at 10weeks and was moving and had a heartbeat.

He said we would get a urine sample and that if I have an infection, it can sometimes cause uterine spasms because the urinary tract will irritate the uterus. He leaves and at this point someone comes in and gives T and Magdalena beanie babies (to add to the coloring books and crayons we got in the waiting room). The nurse comes in, asks if I can pee (hello? is that a stupid question to ask a pregnant woman who has been in the ER for an hour and a half? I thought so.) and sends me to the restroom. She takes T to see the collection of beanies, and Magdalena goes with me.

We come back to the room and handle Meltdown #2 when Magdalena wants apple juice after seeing the specimen. **rolls eyes** So the nurse brings in apple juice for both girls and leaves. This is when my Mom and StepDad arrive. So they come in and I fill them in and we play around in the room for about 10 or 15 minutes.

The nurse comes in and informs me that I have a rather intense UTI. Bleh. Antibiotics, yogurt, rest, and lots of water and cranberry juice are recommended and with that they send me on my merry way.

My parents took us to eat and we called Erich to tell him Neo is fine and so am I for that matter. A quick visit to the pharmacy and we are now home. Of course I need to wash diapers and pack because we are going on a trip tomorrow. (Doctor okayed.) We’ll come back Monday evening and Tuesday morning I have my OB appt. yay.

Oh and I forgot to tell you this last week, but I found out why Erich calls the baby Neo. He said that since we talked about it being multiples for so long he had thought it would be two, and then when he found out there was only one he started saying “the one” which led him to Neo. So it’s Neo “the one.” Don’t ask me, I can only follow his train of thought about half the time.

I’ve really neglected telling ya’ll whats been going on. I’m sorry. It’s been a crazy, busy, rough couple of weeks to say the least. Anyway, here goes.

The Plan: When I saw the RE he thought that maybe the signal was getting crossed between my brain and my ovaries. He thought my brain simply was not triggering the eggs. So he said he’d be nice and we’d skip the semen analysis and the HCG since he knew we could get pregnant and the main problem is my ovaries. The plan was (and is) to do two rounds of clomid. The first at 100mg, if not pregnant up to 150mg. On Cd 12 we would do an u/s to see follicles then have a simple trigger shot. If after 150mg I’m not pregnant I have the choice to do another cycle of clomid or stop, get the SA and the HCG and then move on to injectable drugs.

The Outcome: I took my 100mg of clomid on CD 3-7. On CD 12 I went in for the u/s and we saw…. NOTHING. No follicles at all. It appears my ovaries tried to make eggs, but they failed. So we are moving on to more Clomid.

I’ve always talked about the first time I ever ovulated, I got pregnant. I (we) are now thinking that these past three cycles with clomid probably haven’t made me ovulate, which would be why I didn’t get pregnant. See the train of thought here?

So as soon as my period starts, we’ll start 15omg of clomid daily and then go back for another u/s on CD12. So if you pray or whatever, please send us big fat follicle vibes. I feel pretty worthless right now and awful and sad and angry.

Oh, and Monday (July 4th) is my birthday.

I started a craft blog! You can visit it here:

http://threadingtheneedle.blogspot.com/

Don’t you hate when you really really want to make something nice and special for someone and just never get that extra shove you want? Ever since an online friend of mine got pregnant, I’ve wanted to make something for her new arrival. Between everything currently on my plate, and with me suffering from a bit of depression, I’ve neglected this task.

So I had decided to try one of those knot blankets. But after starting it, I decided that it sucked and so I pitched it. And I made one of these. The satin binding is kind of a PITA to sew on, but I’m sure it would be better the next time I do it. I really like it. It’s super soft and will be great as a tummy time blanket or a car seat blanket. It has a few imperfections, but hey that goes along with home made stuff, right?

Each side is a different Classic Pooh print.

This flannel was bought at a great price during the Firefly Sale at Joanns. I’ve been looking for flannel sheets for Magdalena with no success so I decided to make her her own sheet set. I bought a pattern, but the fabric wasn’t wide enough to use. So I just measured the dimensions of the crib mattress. I cut that out of the fabric, finished the raw hems and attached elastic. I didn’t do an elastic casing as I don’t think it will matter much since the elastic is on the wrong side and next to the mattress. I finished the set with a standard pillowcase and flat sheet.

I have a lot to update you on. Magdalena had a very rough weekend. Today was better and I had a great appointment with the RE. I’m so excited. (And as of 11:24pm Tuesday, I do not know if I am pregnant or not, ok?)

But, I wanted to write this entry and tell you about this warm fuzzy feeling I am going to bed with tonight. I just read about how Mani enjoyed the memory I created for us. And I find it incredibly amazing that this woman and I have never met, yet we have walked the same paths here in Indiana. This weekend I went to my Moms house. She lives with her Husband near the reservoir where Mani grew up. I couldn’t help but think about how Mani had most likely been there at one point in her life. Mani and I have never met, yet I know details of her life and she knows a great deal of my life. We share these great friends in the computer. We are all brought together by sharing the same beliefs.

When I think of all these great women whose blogs I read, who I chat with online, who I communicate with via forums, I’m overwhelmed at how lucky I am to be in any sort of contact with. And I can’t help but giggle like a school girl when I realize how lucky I am to be loved by Mani. heh.

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.

I like your strength.

02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.

I can’t think of anything, but really I don’t think I could think of anything for anyone.

03. If I were to apply an o’clock to you, I’ll tell you what it would be.

I’d say 6 oclock or the time around a sunset.

04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.

Beautiful.

05. I’ll tell you the most memorable moment I’ve had with you.

Since we haven’t met, I’ll create a memory.
Mani, do you remember that time that we took my Step Dads boat out on the Salamonie Reservoir? We spent the day soaking up the sun, swimming, and just talking about everything we could possibly think of. It was so great just to hang out and enjoy a hot humid Indiana day without a care in the world.

06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.

A lovable Puppy.

07. I’ll then tell you something that I’ve always wondered about you.

I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be a Midwife Student, to live on the East Coast. I wonder how you made the transition from Indiana to the East Coast and what was it like?

08. Put this in your journal.

Manda enquired about my TTC journey. And well it’s a little bit screwed up. See this cycle started on May 10. Remember? So, I thought I ovulated on schedule and should have started bleeding on Tuesday (the 7th). Well, I didn’t and I wasted my husbands hard earned money on pregnancy tests that I always tend to fail. So I decided that this really sucks. (Believe me, I’m pretty sure that ‘stuff’ is not the word I most likely used.) Erich was talking about new jobs and such and I started to think about our insurance and how completely AWESOME our insurance benefits are right now. So I thought “hey idiot, considering half the year is almost over, maybe you should see what IF benefits are covered under said great insurance plan.” So I called the insurance company, and the polite young man on the other end informed me that they would pay for testing, diagnosis, AND treatment 100%. Wow. So after I picked myself up off of the floor, I called the reproductive endocrinologist that I had been referred to. I asked the nice lady on the other end to make me an appointment. She asked me how soon I wanted the appointment. I thought that at first this was an incredibly silly question since I thought that it would take months even years to get an appointment. Imagine my surprise when she told me she had an appointment on the 14th. Um, wow. Okay. So I made the arrangements for my Mom to watch Magdalena during this time. The RE is about 45 minutes away so I’ll be gone probably 3 hours. I’ve never left Magdalena for 3 hours with someone else so that makes me a bit nervous. I’ve also never left her for 3 hours and then left town, so that makes me a bit nervous to. But she loves my Mom and everything should be fine.

Back to my chart. So, I call this wonderful doctor who has great potent fertility drugs and make an appointment. A little later, I’m updating my chart and fertility friends decides that no I did not ovulate on CD 14 but on CD 21 and that I shouldn’t test until next Tuesday ( the 14th). Do we all remember what happens on teh 14th? Yup, my appointment with the RE. Now if I come up pregnant the day I’m scheduled to arrange for potent fertility drugs I’ll never stop laughing.

I need to address the comments that were left while I was on vacation.

Simone asked:

I’m curious to know is the hurt of TTC failure is as raw now as before Magdelena? The fact that you have her, doesn’t make it easier? Maybe harder?

The pain is the same and different. It’s hard to dwell on the pain and anxiety and failure that every women TTC with problems faces since Magdalena is constantly running around and laughing and playing. She really makes it easier because I actually have a baby and I will always have her. She brings me up when I am down. But she makes it harder. Since I now know what it is like to have that tiny baby kicking inside of me, I know what I am missing. And I desperately want to give her a playmate, someone to laugh and play with. I want to give her a sibling so that they can be close and count on each other. Some day Erich and I will be gone and I want to provide a bigger family for Magdalena so she will still have someone “on her side.” I sometimes feel very selfish for wanting another child knowing that I was very lucky to get one. Some infertile women or women who face fertility hurdles, aren’t as lucky as me. I can only describe the pain as getting your ears pierced. When they pierced the first one, it hurt, but it didn’t seem as bad really because you didn’t know quite what to expect. But when the pierced the second one, it hurt much worse. You knew the poke was coming, you knew what to expect, and you already flinching in anticipation of the pain.

Tina made this comment:

I’m going to assume that Tina only meant the best by this comment. But any woman who has had trouble conceiving will tell Tina that that comment hurts a lot. That comment makes it seem as if there is actually nothing wrong with my body and that it is all in my head. By making that comment, you deny me the right to grieve that my body doesn’t work like the population who “fall pregnant.” To make you understand this I’ve come up with this completely extreme situation.

So let’s say my friend Jane is in kidney failure. She was put on a list for a kidney transplant and every day she worries and frets. She wonders, will this be the day I get my kidney transplant? She tells me how sad she is that she hasn’t gotten a kidney yet and how bad it hurts to know that her body has failed her. So I come in and (trying to be helpful) tell her that maybe she should just relax. I tell Jane, ” you are stressing out about this kidney stuff to much! Just relax, sit back and enjoy life. I’m sure as soon as you stop worrying about a kidney transplant, BOOM that phone will ring! It happens every day. “

Now that example is pretty wild and out there and I hope that I can safely assume none of you would ever say that to someone in renal failure. But that is exactly how I feel when someone tells me to stop complaining.

Sorry, lots going on. My list of things to talk about here is growing but not today. Today I awoke to the sound of a vomiting baby. Vomiting right beside my head. It’s amazin how quickly Erich and I can jump out of bed and get moving when awoken by the sound of vomit. Her fever has been 103 all day long but it finally seems to have broken and she is showing interest in food again. yay. More tomorrow.

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o’clock to you, I’ll tell you what it would be.
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I’ll tell you the most memorable moment I’ve had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I’ll then tell you something that I’ve always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.

There are comments that need to be addressed. I will get to it. We are still on vacation. Everything is going well and we are having fun. We were in Kansas City, MO up until yesterday. We left there and drove through St. Louis (during rush hour. heh. fun?) and are in Metropolis, IL, home of SUPERMAN! I want to go to the Superman museum before we leave. We’re headed to Nashville, passing through, and will end up in Knoxville. We are headed up to see Gatlinburg on Thursday. And we are staying with grandparents tonight and tomorrow night in Knoxville. We’ll be headed back to Indiana on Friday. I’ll address the comments then, k?

Time just seems to fly. Here is a recap of what we have been doing.

Saturday we left early and went to a festival. We did some shopping and got a few things that we needed/wanted. Erich bought a really nice executive chair and I’m calling that his birthday present. (His birthday is on the 22nd of June.) We ate dinner here and it was delicious! Erich wasn’t a fan but I liked the dish I had. When we went home we did some major reorganizing. We finished the floor in Erichs office/guest room downstairs. We moved the sewing room which was on the main floor to the downstairs into the TV room. The former sewing room on the main floor became the play room. No more toys in the LR. yay. And I spent all week last week getting the nursery on the top floor back in order.

Sunday we had company. Magdalena had fun with her friend. Erich and his friend did who knows what downstairs. And my friend and I pickled cucumbers.

This week I’ve been getting ready for our trip. We leave Friday night and we’ll be back next Friday.

Tomorrow a friend is coming over to help with some sewing. She is going to help me with the labor aspect of my business. It will help a lot and light a fire under my butt to get some stuff going.

On to sadness. I’m bummed on the TTC front. It isn’t happening and it bugs me. I’m cycling correctly but I’m just not getting pregnant. The friend that is helping me is pregnant and it’s so hard to be around her. And all of my online friends who were TTC are now pregnant and it just hurts so incredibly much. If I get another high temp tomorrow, fertility friend will confirm ovulation. This month would yield a Valentine Baby and a 25 month spacing. But I know in my heart that it won’t be. The heartache is just unbearable.

Thirteen years ago, my father died. I can’t believe it’s been thirteen years. I miss him so incredibly much. Sometimes I look at Magdalena and see my father and this overwhelming feeling of sadness and love comes over me. I am a part of him and therefore he is a part of my children. It’s so crazy and great at the same time.

In other news, Magdalena will be 16 months old tomorrow. Wow. We leave for Missouri next weekend. And I’m on CD11. So we’re busy busy people around here!