We’re still here, covered in snow, but here. The popping continues in my lower tummy area. I’m 99.9% sure that it isn’t gas, it just feels different. I can only feel it if I’m lying really really still and generally just at night. Oh well.

Magdalena and I went out in the snow yesterday when it had just started it. She had been admiring it through the window for a while, so I decided to bundle us up and take her outside. It took longer to get ready to go out then the actual time spent outside. She is so funny and cute!

We came in and I gave her dinner and took her upstairs for her bath. We went into the bedroom and nursed and I asked where she was going to sleep (her crib/sidecar, or in the big bed). She patted Erichs pillow and said ” Daddee Daddee” and laid on his pillow. She then promptly demanded that I cover her up. After I covered her and kissed her on the forehead, she closed her eyes pretended to be asleep. Silly girl.

After she was asleep I finally put the Christmas tree up. I just have to hang the stockings and put the manger up. I seriously don’t feel like putting it up, but my Dad made that manger and there hasn’t been a Christmas yet that I haven’t put it up.

Then I donned all of my snow gear again and shoveled the porch, sidewalk, and driveway. Erich was stuck at work and the last thing I wanted him to have to do is shovel just to park his car. I knew he wouldn’t be home for hours and hours, but at the rate it was falling I figured I should get a head start.

Through this all I’ve really wanted a ham sandwich or roast beef sandwich, toasted with cheese. I had gone to the meat market around noon when Erich was still home and it was CRAZY. People are nuts! So I didn’t get the roast beef because the line was to long.

Erich finally got home at 2am. I went outside at 1:30am to start shoveling snow again since it had started blowing and such. I went out and you could no longer see where I shoveled. There were two foot drifts. Ugh. So I started shoveling again and I had just finished the second tire track ( I decided NOT to do the whole driveway again) when Erich pulled around the corner. Then I had to shovel and area for him to get out of the car. LOL

My thighs hurt today. Boo. I did decide that I could no longer stand not having a roast beef sandwich so I bundled Magdalena up and we took off to walk the three blocks to the meat marked. Actually I should say *I* walked it while carrying her because she decided she didn’t want to walk in the snow. We just got home a few minutes ago and Magdalena ate an ENTIRE sandwich and I just had my roast beef sandwich toasted with colby jack cheese and a touch of mayo. It’s amazing what a pregnant woman will do to satisfy her craving.

Magdalena keeps admiring the tree. I tell her no touch! and she stops. A few times I’ve looked over to see her touching the tree. When she sees me watching her, she comes over to me and says, “no tuhk teeee!” heh.

So I’m warm and my belly is full **yawn** I believe it’s naptime…

When did you feel your baby move? More importantly, when did you feel your baby move on second pregnancies (or third, fourth, whatever.) I felt Magdalena REALLY early at 14 weeks and consistently at 15 weeks. Currently I’m almost 12 weeks.

Anyway, last night I was laying in bed all relaxed after my shower and I felt a series of popping in my lower belly. It didn’t feel like gas, just like some sort of popping. It was to far foward to be gas or my bowels or anything. Just popping. This morning I felt the same thing. It’s crazy, but could this actually be the baby, this early?

I’m going to start this out by saying that these appointments are not going to be easy accompanied by an almost 2 year old. I remember when I was pregnant the first time, I would just go in with a good book (usually some sort of breastfeeding book I had picked up) and sit and read and just ignore the wait. That’s not going to be the case this time I think. I did think ahead though, after the whole apple juice/specimen meltdown in the ER last week, I packed a sippy with apple juice. But I’m going to need to be more creative, lots of snacks and drinks and such.

Anyway, my appointment was at 10:30. They asked me to be there a few minutes early to fill out the forms and such. We arrived at around 10:15am. I signed in and started my wait. They finally called me to the receptionist and copied my insurance card, verified I still had the same emergency contacts and address, and explained my benefits. Seriously, there is something very satisfying to see the paper that says your insurance will pay $XXXX amount and the amount you owe is $0 after your $0 deductible is paid. Seriously, that’s heaven.

Anyway, a short while later after one meltdown they call us back in to the office. They weigh me and confirm I’ve lost yet another pound bringing me up to an eight pound weightloss. (Considering I’m 8 weeks post conception, that’s a pound a week. And believe me, I’m eating, um, lots.) Moving on, they ask if I can produce a sample. HA! We get through that with zero drama and I fill M’s now empty sippy up with some water. We go into the exam room and get my blood pressure taken 112/60 and she leaves us to wait, and wait, and wait. I don’t really notice since I knew my OB was oncall that day, but I must remember to pack the diaper bag with surprise goodies for when we move away from the germ infested great toys they provide in the waiting room.

The wait didn’t seem bad considering when my OB came in she spent a good 40 minutes with me. We talked about a repeat section, we talked about how I was feeling (great, knock on wood), and we talked about my near constant cramping and the great ER visit. She was not happy about the way that visit had gone. She had said that should have done a pelvic and that they should have cathed me for the specimen. (Here is where I was relieved that the ER had screwed up. heh.) Like last time I declined all the genetic testing stuff. She sorta tried to pressure me into the triple screen, but I was adament that I didn’t want it. She did keep saying that it came back positive, then she would send me to a larger hospital for a 4D ultrasound. That really didn’t sound incredibly appealing to me. I explained that I KNEW the test had a high false positive rate, and that it was even higher for heavier women. I also know that we’ve done well on taking prenatal vitamins and taking care of myself while making this baby and since it’s been growing. And Erich and I are both young, so I didn’t really see a point. I won’t terminate the pregnancy, I trust their u/s tech to find heart abnormalities, and honestly if something were wrong like Downs Syndrome, I wouldn’t want to spend my pregnancy feeling doomed and stressed. I feel like this baby is fine and my gut should be trusted. Plus I didn’t want the stress of having that blood draw looming over my head, you know? She did agree with me that I was extremely low risk and she didn’t feel uncomfortable with me declining it.

She decided that she should go ahead and do a pelvic, take a quick look to make sure that my cervix is behaving (considering I had that LEEP a couple of years back it’s nice to know it behaves) and declared my uterus to be of an appopriate size for 10w2d. She commented that my csection scar really healed well, and that she would cut that scar out when we do the section so that I don’t have multiple scars which increases adhesions and such. We also talked about stitches and staples and I was relieved that she said she always does stitches. Thank goodness! She tried to hear fetal heart tones with the doppler, but kept finding mine. She said since I was having cramps and that she couldn’t find heart tones, she would send me over for an ultrasound. She okayed it for me to go to a chiropractor as long as he has experience adjusting pregnant women. Yay. (Appointment is tomorrow AM for both myself and Erich.)

At this point, my OB is upset that she can’t find the note from Dr. H the RE (they went to school together). She teased me that he’s seen me naked. hahaha. If you had seen Dr. H, you’d know why that was funny. He is a hot-tay. She was also upset that she couldn’t find the ER note either. She sent me back to have my ultrasound.

Wow. That baby changes SO fast. Baby appeared to be sleeping but you could see him turn from side to side at times. FHTs were 170 and he measured perfectly for 10w2d. So baby is already making Mommy proud! Magdalena is SO used to the ultrasound drill, she is the best girl ever. And it was cute because when she saw the screen she said “baybee!” And the u/s tech said, “Yes! You see your baby?” My heart is filled with pride and joy. You would just not believe how happy I am. She printed us some pictures and my OB came back to fetch me.

She took me to her medical assistant who drew my blood and then sent me to her nurse. She said she’d see me in 4 weeks and that she was so happy I was back! Me too! We drew blood and I visited the nurse who gave me my prenatal vitamin script, lots of papers, and my favorite “the breastfeeding support supplementation kit!” Yay! Just what I wanted, formula samples! I kept my mouth shut from saying that Magdalena has NEVER had a drop of formula and I have every intention of making sure that this baby NEVER has a drop of formula either. I kept my mouth shut because I wanted the cooler. I did take the samples over to the WIC office and gave them to them.

And that ended my first prenatal. Only about a bazillion more to go, look forward to the next one on December 30.

Just when I thought I could relax as I was sailing towards the 12 week mark, I was taught a lesson. It’s not over, until the fat lady sings (or until the baby cries, whatever.)

Yesterday, after a particularly stressful week (remember that damn turkey? nuff said) I started having these cramps that turned into contraction like cramps. You know the ones that wrap around your body, hug on to your kidneys, then radiate right into your crotch? Yup those. And all I could think was Oh.My.God.Not.Now.Please.

Erich wanted to go straight to the hospital and I said (through snot and tears) not right now. If we are losing it, we can’t do anything. The cramps/ctx type thingies stopped after a glass of water and a few refreshing breaths. I did have some sort of bottom/cervix pain, but no spotting or bleeding.

So this morning I felt great, and after that 6am rush, I took T and Magdalena to ToysRExpensive to LOOK at the toys to make a list for Santa. We met up with Erich for lunch (and scored two free meals since they didn’t get our food out in less than 14 minutes) and we all came home. I sent the girls to take naps and sat down to start checking email. I had just opened up Diaper Pin (which I still have not been able to read) when I got this gigantic cramp. Mind you I wasn’t doing anything but sitting on the couch tapping on my laptop. And then after the second cramp, I started having a panic attack. I could.not.breath. I called Erich, frantic, and he told me to go straight to the ER. Through snot and tears (again), I said I’d call the OB.

But obviously, the OB was not in the office and the on call doc was paged. She called me back and told me not to panic. (She says to the lady who just finished a $3000 cycle of drugs and one year of TTC.) She said I should not panic at this point because I was not bleeding or spotting. I did mention that over the last day or two I’ve been feeling sick and like not eating. She said that there was no way to get an “official ultrasound” until Monday, but that I should go into the ER and have them take a look. She said that they would listen to the heartbeat , do an ultrasound, and check urine. Her guess was I was getting the flu.

So I call Erich and fill him in. Then I call my mother and tell ask her politely to meet me at the hospital to help with Magdalena and T. Then I pack everyone up and we head to the hospital.

After checking in and handling meltdown #1, they escort us back to my room. The nurse comes in promptly and I kid you not says, “take off your clothes.” Sweet. Anyway, the ER does not have a doppler and only has a fetoscope. After five minutes of her looking and telling me “don’t panic” she finds “the buggar” (She actually said this and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Oh well. And I wasn’t panicked because I’m barely 10 weeks and baby is small.) FHT were in the 140s and baby sounded fine. She let me listen, which was nice.

Then the doctor came in (why oh why are ER docs always cute young boys while family docs are old and wrinkly?) with the ultrasound. After feasting my eyes upon him seeing him all I could think was “please God do not make this a vag u/s.” He said at 10 weeks we should be able to see baby with minimal trouble through the belly. And he was right. He instantly saw my “enlarged” uterus and there was baby, hanging out, moving around, and with a strong heartbeat. I wish I could have seen this beauty, but I couldn’t as the u/s machine was like a laptop and you couldn’t see it unless you were at the right angle. He tried to print a picture, but of course, the printer was out of paper. Anyway, he assured me that baby looked appropriate measuring at 10weeks and was moving and had a heartbeat.

He said we would get a urine sample and that if I have an infection, it can sometimes cause uterine spasms because the urinary tract will irritate the uterus. He leaves and at this point someone comes in and gives T and Magdalena beanie babies (to add to the coloring books and crayons we got in the waiting room). The nurse comes in, asks if I can pee (hello? is that a stupid question to ask a pregnant woman who has been in the ER for an hour and a half? I thought so.) and sends me to the restroom. She takes T to see the collection of beanies, and Magdalena goes with me.

We come back to the room and handle Meltdown #2 when Magdalena wants apple juice after seeing the specimen. **rolls eyes** So the nurse brings in apple juice for both girls and leaves. This is when my Mom and StepDad arrive. So they come in and I fill them in and we play around in the room for about 10 or 15 minutes.

The nurse comes in and informs me that I have a rather intense UTI. Bleh. Antibiotics, yogurt, rest, and lots of water and cranberry juice are recommended and with that they send me on my merry way.

My parents took us to eat and we called Erich to tell him Neo is fine and so am I for that matter. A quick visit to the pharmacy and we are now home. Of course I need to wash diapers and pack because we are going on a trip tomorrow. (Doctor okayed.) We’ll come back Monday evening and Tuesday morning I have my OB appt. yay.

Oh and I forgot to tell you this last week, but I found out why Erich calls the baby Neo. He said that since we talked about it being multiples for so long he had thought it would be two, and then when he found out there was only one he started saying “the one” which led him to Neo. So it’s Neo “the one.” Don’t ask me, I can only follow his train of thought about half the time.

I sometimes have to remind myself that I’m pregnant. This pregnancy is just going to well. I’m not sick, just overly tired so I have to remind myself, hey you’re baking a baby! But there are some things that do remind me, so here they are:

• I’m ready to go to bed at 7pm.
• I get really sick if I don’t eat say every two hours.
• I go to the bathroom every hour and a half.
• I’m tired after being up for 2 hours in the morning
• One minute something sounds wonderful to eat, the other not so much
• Getting a card that says “glad you had a ‘positive’ experience with us” from my RE
• My pants don’t fit, yet I’ve lost seven pounds.

At nine and a half weeks pregnant, it’s safe to say I’m 25% done with this pregnancy. How in the heck did that happen?

• My house is a disaster and I don’t want to clean it. I’m tired*. Damnit.
• Family is coming on Sunday and the house needs to be clean by then. Ugh. And they insisted on eating at 11:30am. That means I have to be up at 6am to start the grill and get the bird ready. Does anyone else see the problem with this besides me?
• Erich brought a fern plant in from outside to escape the cold. It smells funky and makes me want to hurl. Why am I the only one who smells this?
• Last night I broke a drinking glass. Of course, it was while I was in a hurry, but I was very careful and meticulous in picking it up and sweeping since we all walk barefoot.
• This afternoon while running through the kitchen I stepped on a piece of glass. When I went to dig it out, I realized it was very lodged without edges, making it almost impossible to pull out. Thoughts of taking a toddler to the ER drifted through my head, so I squeezed the darn thing (cutting myself even more) and “birthed” the very large piece of glass. So now I’m tired and my foot hurts.
• In an effort to make things go smoothly tonight, I remembered that all of the night time diapers were dirty. So at 2pm, I put the diapers in the washer and then proceeded to forget about them until about an hour ago. So now, they are doing their vinegar wash at which point they’ll need another hour to dry. So Magdalena won’t be in bed until 10pm. Have I mentioned that I’m tired?
• Erich has to back up 5 computers tonight after work because they are moving them to a new building in the morning. Since he doesn’t get off of work until 10, he’ll be gone a long long time tonight. And then tomorrow he must be up at the crack of dawn to finish the job.
• When I roll on to my tummy in my sleep now, it feels like I rolled over onto a ball.
• My insurance has decided that all the prenatal vitamins I have samples of are non formulary and I should pay 50% of them. I AM NOT paying $25 a month for prenatals when they should stinking pay for them. UGH.
• Imacmom, we talked about prenatals before. Can you drop me an email and tell me which ones you like?
• I’m tired. When is someone going to invent that self cleaning house?

*I’m not exactly complaining about my pregnancy. I know that someone is going to come out of the woodwork and tell me that since I wanted to be pregnant so bad, that I shouldn’t complain. Obviously this person has never been pregnant and tired. So to clear it up, I’m thrilled to be pregnant. I’m thrilled to not be sick. I know that beggars can’t be choosers. I’m just simply stating the fact that I am really really really tired. Okay?

We had our last ultrasound on Monday with Dr.H. I’ve been released to my regular OBGYN with good wishes, promises to come back and show them a beautiful baby in June, and the promise to help me if I should ever want more help. It was bittersweet. The nurses came and hugged me and Magdalena waved “Bye!” and blew kisses.

The ultrasound was really cool except for the fact that my kid scared the LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME. Normally, when you have those vaginal ultrasounds as soon as the wand is, *ahem* placed you see baby. But that didn’t happen. And as the wand was moved around all we kept seeing was this empty sac. This is where my heart starts to race and then just stops all together. Finally, in the most umcomfortable place, they find baby, perfectly happy, healthy heart, just hanging out avoiding us. Baby kept flipping not wanting us to see him (or her!) or let us measure or anything. But we finally did with the help of others and everything looks fantabulous. Baby is three times the size he was last week! Isn’t that amazing and crazy all at the same time? Measuring a day ahead of all of our dates (measured 6/24), we saw a tiny umbilical cord and a strong strong heart. He was moving lots and just doing really well. We are thrilled.

I called my OB’s office, where they congratulated me and scheduled my first OB appointment for 10/29 at which point I’ll be 10w2d. Can you believe that? That is less than two weeks away! We are almost out of November! And in less than two weeks , I’ll have finished 25% of this pregnancy. For trying so long, it seems it’s just flying by.

I’m still not sick. I’ve had the occasional awful feelings and one night of not being able to get off the couch, but other than that, things have been great. I seem to have a lot more headaches this time around, but I’ve been treating those with rest, water, and small frequent doses of caffiene in the form of beverages.

This Sunday we are having Thanksgiving dinner here at our house for Erichs family. We’re having turkey, green bean casserole, sour cream mashed potatoes, steamed carrots with butter, stuffing, and homemade rolls. For desert, a made from scratch apple crisp with homemade vanilla ice cream. Sounds yummy huh? I’m having a lot of anxiety over cooking this damn bird. I’ve never cooked a turkey and the thought of it kinda makes me queasy. I like turkey and I like chicken, but I have this quirk where I refuse to eat things off of bones. Seriously, it makes me ill. Anyway, my grandpa “Pa” wants me to cook the turkey on the grill. This sounds like fun and scary all at the same time. I had decided I should use one of those oven bags, but when I got them home there were only two bags in the box. No ties, no instructions, urgh! If I cook the bird in the bag, there is no basting right? And how do I season it? Just brush it with some olive oil and throw it in the bag? So many questions, such little time.

Other than that, not much going on around here. Erich is working like a madman. The crazy crazy rains came through yesterday. It was 65 degrees outside yesterday and overnight it dropped to below 30 degrees. They say it won’t get above 40 today and there are lots of small little flurries outside. I think I’d be okay with a chilly day with some flurries on Sunday for Thanksgiving. I made a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream and I’m about to sit and watch the first snowflakes of the season while Magdalena naps upstairs.

Baby appears to be growing well! We saw a very strong heartbeat today. There is nothing
better than seeing that brand new heart working so well! Dr. H did come in during the u/s today to make sure we looked in my tubes and ovaries to make sure there were no misplaced babies because my HCG levels are so high. There is indeed only one and the clot/twin? from last week seems to have been absorbed completely by my body. Dr. H said baby looks great and declared it a boy. One more u/s and then I leave that office for my regular OB. **sniff** I’ve grown quite fond of them, and it will be hard, but I’m so excited. As things progress, I’m embracing the fact that I have a healthy pregnancy and beautiful baby that I will meet early next summer! It’s a little to overwhelming.

In other news, I’ve been looking at some maternity pants at Old Navy. I’m actually looking at the maternity pants that don’t actually *look* like maternity pants. This is very important. I am only 7w1d and there is absolutely NO reason I should be donning maternity wear. But unless I want to go to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners in sweatpants, I’m going to have to jump on the maternity wagon because my jeans kissed me goodbye. So I’m going with maternity pants that don’t look like maternity pants. If I had more money, I would buy myself some fat pants, but I have enough to buy fat pants or maternity pants. And I’ll need the maternity ones sooner or later.

Erich has nicknamed the baby “Neo” and declared him “the one.” (I didn’t ask why, I’m just going to say it’s “the one we worked so hard for”) We talk to Magdalena about the baby that is coming, mainly because she likes toget up in the morning and jump on tummy. So we talk about the baby in Mommy’s tummy and she rubs my belly fat and says “baibeh preetee” Erich had a conversation that went something like this:

Erich: Are you going to be a big sister?
Magdalena: Yes!

E: Do you want a baby brother?
M: NO!

E: Do you want a baby sister?
M: NO!

Alrighty then. Magdalena continues to demonstrate her motherly ways. She now nurses her babies which I find absolutely gut wrenching adorable. She changes diapers on the babies by getting her own and trying to put them on the baby. She dances with Elmo and sings “preetee baibeh” She loves holding real babies and gets frustrated at LLL when she can’t hold the babies (because we don’t know the people. heh) The other night I went in to bed to find her sleeping with her baby in the crook of her arm. This is the position she puts herself in when she climbs into bed with me. It fills my heart with joy and my eyes with tears. My baby is growing up to fast. She is going to be the best big sister.

You find this.

Remember the movie Cinderella? (Note to self: Need to buy DVD for Magdalena. Must have movie. heh) Anyway, the song A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes has been floating in my mind for the last day or two. I’ve been remembering my dream about the little boy I gave birth to. Anyway, I looked up the lyrics and found they were so appropriate for my situation right now.

“A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true”
– Disney Cinderella

This morning I went in for my ultrasound. It was a trying night, because my mind was filled with random thoughts, multiple heartbeats, bleeding, no sac. Anything you could imagine.

My ultrasound was so good though. There is one good sized sac, fetal pole and yolk intact. There appears to be another smaller sac that could be a blood clot or a vanishing twin. Either way, we are over the moon that there is a healthy baby in there. Baby measured 6w1d (right on track for my calculations, 1 day ahead by thiers) and we saw the fluttering of a heartbeat! It’s early,so it was hard to see, but the nurse and I both definitely saw fluttering! I convinced Dr. H to bring me back in next week for an ultrasound. yay! He said he’d probably see me one more time, and then send me to my OB. Probably just in time to hear baby on doppler. Now is where you hear me (and Erich) breathing a giant sigh of relief. (Erich is over the moon that there is only ONE! heh.)

Dr. H came into the room said “good job! my nurse tells me you’d like to come in every day for an u/s” heh. Yeah, I’ve been a bit nervous. But knowing that things are going just according to plan, that there is a sac of appropriate size and a tiny fluttering heart, sets me at ease. Now it’s time to enjoy my pregnancy that is not making me vomit daily (so far).

I have never known exhaustion like this. It almost hurts! Anyway, Allison asked when my due date is. We are looking at June 25, 2006 ish. If there is more than one baby in there, I will most likely have another section and will deliver early. If only one baby, I would like to VBAC, but there are a lot of things that need to be thought out first and a lot more conversations with both my husband and my OB.

June 22 is Erichs birthday. I’m really excited for him because I know that he thinks that is pretty cool. I do know that I will make sure not to have a baby on the 22nd. That just isn’t fair!

The main pregnancy symptom at this point is exhaustion. It doesn’t help that yesterday I worked a 16 hour shift at the assisted living place. I went in yesterday at 3pm and came home this morning at 7am. Erich brought Magdalena to see me after she woke from her nap at 5 and then they went home and had some quality one on one time. Erich really needed that as he misses his baby. Afterwards he gave her a bath and then she went to bed without fuss. I’m trying not to beat myself up for not being there for her bedtime. She was in more than capable hands and things appear to have gone really well. I really needed to work this shift for our family so I’m trying to reassure myself.

But being awake for close to 23 hours is not easy for a woman how is 5 weeks pregnant. At about 2am I thought I was dying. Seriously. Then the woman wanted to go to the bathroom so I some how got my 6th wind or so and carried on.

I really haven’t had any nausea. Yes, there have been waves of nausea, but not the all day awful feeling I felt with Magdalena at this point. I’m trying to tell myself that this is okay, that things are fine, and that baby is fine too. I’m trying not to worry, but it is awfully hard.

There have been waves of nausea, and there is definitely that feeling of wanting to eat the things you can’t have. (That’s Erichs favorite part of pregnancy! hahaha!) I have to talk myself into things. Like yesterday, Erich brought me some leftover beef noodles. Normally, beef noodles sound like heaven. But it took me a good hour to convince myself that those noodles would be delicious!

I’m also having the symptom of pregnancy where you are eating something that is SO delicious until the end of the meal where you start thinking “this is awful, why am I eating this?”

I seem to have a heightened sense of smell this time. There were all sorts of smells floating around the Assisted Living place,and took a lot of my strength to ignore them as they were making my tummy turn.

And last but certainly not least, my uterus has appeared out of nowhere. At first I thought it was my swollen ovaries, but they seem to have deflated a bit. While my button pants still fit, they bother me something terrible. I’ve switched to my elastic waisted pants. It is way to early to be turning my regular pants away. It’s like I got pregnant, and my uterus exclaimed, “finally! I now have a reason to free myself of that drafty old pelvis. It is much nicer up here!” Or alternatively, my uterus could have four or five babies and is just growing accordingly. hahhahaha. Really I’m laughing, ha ha ha…

Anyway, 7 days until next Monday’s u/s. Anyone have ANY recommendations on how I can help myself feel like this pregnancy isn’t failing? Ugh.

This mornings beta was 319. So it looks like this baby is a keeper. One nurse thinks there **may** be two babies in there. I say the more the merrier, but Erich being the primary bread winner gets a bit nervous at that prospect. I know we have enough baby girl clothes to clothe at least three girls simultaneously and enough blue/gender neutral to last at least a year. I know that my mom is likely to go crazy again, so I see no problems in that front. And since I’m so anti formula, we don’t have to worry about that. So no problems, until you know they start eating food. heh.

Anyway,u/s is scheduled for October 31st. Then another u/s (I believe?) at 8 weeks and I’m free to go to my own OB! By Christmas, I’ll be out of the nightmare that is the first 12 weeks. That isn’t bad, now is it? Time will fly since Halloween ( u/s)is in less than two weeks, then we have Thanksgiving (another u/s, released to OB), then Christmas (end of first 12 weeks), and January is Magdalena’s birthday. See? Time is going to fly! Yay!

The nausea is coming in waves, though still not as bad as with Magdalena. I wish it were worse though, so I felt better. I do feel better after the second beta, and I’m going to sit back and relax. Baby is fine, right? I am exhausted though. We got home from going to see a baby (remember my friend who was due now) and the blood draw, and I was ready to fall down into bed.

Yesterday I opened up the fridge, starving, and thought “oh yeah, I remember this.” Nothing looked good. I really wanted some Franks Red Hot Sauce , the vinegar taste was calling me. I thought a hamburger to put the sauce on it, but we had no beef. I have a major hankering for beef, just like with Magdalena. So looking through the fridge, I see some cottage cheese and think, cottage cheese with some franks red hot sound DELICIOUS! And it was my friends. Though now it doesn’t sound as good, but believe me, it was. Why is that you can be so hungry, but nothing in your fridge sounds good, but everything NOT in your fridge sounds fabulous. Ugh.

I got an offer to go sit with an older man at the assisted living place tonight. He takes himself to the potty and stuff (yay!) he just needs to be watches so he doesn’t leave the apartment and get hurt. It’s going to be a long night. I’m going out there at about 8pm and I’ll be home around 7am-ish. I’ll take my knitting to pass the time. My mom is going to come and watch Magalena, give her a bath and play with her until Erich gets home. I’m going to miss snuggling with my family, but I’ll make it. I need to, the money is to good to pass up.

I want to thank you all for the well wishes, the crossed limbs, the positive vibes, and all of the excitement. It meant so much to me and Erich to see all of the excited people. I’m going to print them all off and save them for the future baby book, so this little person knows how excited everyone was to know s/he was on the way. I sincerely believe this would never have happened without your support and well wishes. I’m truly, truly blessed.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I tossed and turned. Around 4:30am I just lay in bed listening to Erich and Magdalena sleeping. I was so scared I wasn’t going to wake up. And I was thinking about the inevitable.

I arrived at the clinic at 7:40am. I was supposed to be there between 8am and 9am. I can never predict the traffic. Sometimes it’s heavy, other times it light. I was called back into the office at 8:15. Immediately after drawing my blood, I felt like crying. It was awful. They said they would call in 3 hours.

Erich left for a service call when I got home, and I spent the next 2 hours facing the facts that I wasn’t bleeding because of the progesterone. I cried a bit to get myself ready for the awful phone call that was to come. I talked to my grandparents and they wanted me to meet them at the dentists office.

I went over to the dentists office. Magdalena razzled and dazzled everyone. I was talking to the receptionist and my phone rang. I immediately said “I need to answer that!” I walked away from the counter and answered the phone.

The phone call was the call. It was Jaime, the nurse, calling. She sounded very happy and I was a bit peeved that she would sound so happy when she was calling to tell me bad news. She said,” we have the results in Suzanne! Congratulations, you’re pregnant!” I immediately started crying hysterically. All of the emotions of the month came flooding and I just couldn’t hold back the flood gates. I had myself so convinced that it was negative and that I had wasted one entire year of my life trying to make a baby. The beta came back at 158. I’m officially pregnant.

It’s 6:30pm. 13.5 hours till my blood draw. Magdalena and I are home alone. Erich had a service call. I’m anxiously waiting for him to call me and tell me he’s on his way home so I can start dinner. We are going to have enchiladas and spanish rice. We are really tight on money so Erich told me to start being creative. His exact words were “pretend you’re the Iron Chef, you love that show!” Alrighty then.

Last night was full of more bizarre dreams. I kept dreaming about not making it to the clinic in time, and the refused to draw my blood. I remember I was at home getting ready to leave and it was 8:30 when I realized I needed to be there between 8am and 9am and it takes almost an hour to get there. Thinking about it kinda stresses me out. I’m sure I’ll be on time and I’m sure if I were late they would draw my blood, but it still makes me wanna be the first one in the door. Then maybe my blood will be the first in the machine.

So a fellow clinic person who went to this doctor said they called by noon with pregnancy tests. Seriously if I have to wait until 3pm, I may go batty. I need to remember to stick my cell phone on the charger.

I am in the process of making my Mama Pads. I finally got the design right with something that I love. I’m making a dozen of them and then I’ll probably tweek the pattern a bit more before I sell them. Who wants beautiful Mama Pads? My pads will be done tonight, so I’ll post a pic of them.

I’m trying to talk myself into two things. I’m trying to tell myself that I will be okay if I have to bleed. No big deal. Just isn’t the right time, right? I’m also trying to talk myself into being an optimist and thinking positive thoughts. I’m so torn that I have no clue what I think! Is it Monday yet?

I haven’t taken a pregnancy test. I’ve been very very tempted today, but I’ve been a very good girl.

Okay, I don’t think that I can ramble anymore. Send good thoughts. Though at this point, everything has already been decided. I just want it to go my way, ya know? I can still smell that tiny baby in my dream and feel his soft skin.

When I was TTC the first time around, I had a dream about a beautiful brown eyed toddler girl that ran around the house filling it with laughter. That little girl is Magdalena, she matches the picture in my head perfectly. That dream will forever be burned into my brain and it seemed like a gift from some greater power when she came true.

Last night, I had this dream that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in the kitchen. I remember seeing the kitchen floor, and this teeny tiny baby sliding out of my body. I asked Erich to get something to cut the cord, and he handed me the kitchen scissors. The baby was so beautiful and I held him to my chest and smelled his sweet head. After we were detached, I took him upstairs where I washed his hair and cleaned him up. I put him in a kissaluv diaper and the tiny newborn wool wrap that I have and looked at him. He looked exactly like Magdalena did as a baby and I remember my heart feeling full as if it were going to burst.

I’ve been thinking about the dream all day. Feeling that tiny baby against my skin. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it to. I can only hope that it was another gift from above.

I’m trying to keep busy. I’m very proud of myself as I haven’t “cheated” and taken a HPT yet. And I’m not going to. If they tell me I’m pregnant on Monday, then I will probably take a test so I can see those two lines. I kept the test with Magdalena, wrapped it in plastic and put in a baggy where it now lives in her baby box. I know that is kinda gross, but I feel like I worked so hard to get those two lines, and I wanted to keep that prize. It’s only fair that I do that the next time.

I need to sew my Mama Pads. I’ve neglected to do that every month and I feel like I really need to do that. Maybe if I actually get them done, I won’t need them. A girl can hope, right? I also have a special embroidery project that needs to be done by Monday just in case things go our way.

I reorganized our kitchen the other day to get our toaster oven out and accessible. When Erichs grandparents sold their house in MO (then moved into Senior Living in TX near a son) I noticed they had a nice toaster oven, sparkling clean, and in the original box. I mentioned to Aunt Jan and my MIL that I would really like a toaster oven, but thought nothing beyond that. I was very surprised a week or two later when my in-laws brought it over. But I’ve never really found a good place to put it where it was accessible until yesterday. I’m excited about having it to use. I was able to clear out the toaster since the toaster oven will take that job over. I made Erich some sandwiches and froze them. Now all he has to do is pop it in the oven.

On today’s agenda is making an apple crisp (I’m having a major craving) and making banana muffins. The muffins will be wrapped in foil and frozen. They’ll make an excellent snack or quick breakfast for Magdalena and Erich. This morning I made English Muffin Bread and later I’ll be using it to assemble some egg and cheese sandwiches, which will be frozen. Erich will be able to pop those in the toaster oven in the mornings when he has early jobs, and be able to eat those instead of stopping at McD’s.

Right now Magdalena is napping, T is at school, and I have a baked potato in the toaster oven. Soon I’ll be eating a meal without anyone asking for a bite of it. That is true luxury my friends.

From Ovagirl:

“So this was me, mincing, up to Mary’?s place, to have a little chat and make a couple of requests. It couldn’?t hurt, I figured. I asked for me But I asked for all of you too. I asked for the women who know the fear, the loss, the hurt, the grief, the gut tearing anger, the tears. The women who write about their pain, and the women who read about it and who recognize their own story about infertility on the screen before them. We all tell the same story, again and again, in a multitude of variations. Like snowflakes. Like popcorn kernels. Like babies. Like us. I know logically there can’?t be happy endings for every single infertility story being told on the web. But I asked anyway. For all of us.”

I often feel like an imposter in these rings of people who are dealing with same crap I’m dealing with. I may have had a drug cycle like IVF’ers, but I didn’t do IVF. No egg retrieval, no transfers, just needles and loving. To be honest, sometimes the loving feels a bit routine and mandatory. After all someone told us to have “intercourse.” But it isn’t in a cold sterile room (though a change of scenery might have livened things up LOL). Anyway, what I’m saying is that they just pump me full of drugs and send me home to my husband.

So yeah, that was pretty much my weekend. Friday they called to tell me they wanted me to take another dose of Antagon, FOUR vials of Repronex, and then on Saturday AM take 175 of Follistim and trigger Saturday evening. So essentially they gave me a giant booster of fertility drugs and then released! Actually they didn’t come out until yesterday morning, and it woke me from a sound sleep. Oh the agony! I lay in bed imagining all those follicles rupturing and the little eggies traveling into my tubes being met up by the most handsome spermies they had ever seen! They danced, talked, and hopefully some of those spermies jumped right in if you know what I mean. And don’t you worry, there were plenty of spermies and as long as they weren’t all shy, we’ll be successful. I told Erich that I’d hate for his boys to go all middle school dance on me. You know, a cafeteria with punch and balloons, his boys on one side of the room, my eggs on the other. There better have been dancing! Sheesh.

So now we wait. Each night I get out my crinone suppository and think, please God Please! I feel nothing. A bit of soreness but nothing terrible. I’m waiting. 8-10 days before they implant. 13 days until we find out. Please God please. If those kiddies danced, we’d have babies due just 3 days after Erich’s birthday. 9 days before my birthday! Happy birthday us! Please God Please! Let me have my birthday early. I’ll even make it up to you and not complain at the end. You can even make me way overdue so I’ll be pregnant on my birthday. Please. I’m begging!

If the test comes back positive, I have a plan to tell Erich. I want to make it special. I’m so excited. I sit on my hands right now, willing myself to not start on that project. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to be to hopeful. I don’t want to not have hope though, that would be no good. I’m neutral. I’m ready. I’m praying. Wishing, hoping, thinking, praying. I’m not going to take tests this time. Maybe I’m supposed to learn patience. Maybe this is my lesson to learn. It didn’t happen for a reason last month. This is my month. That is what I keep chanting. **whispers** This.Is.My.Month. Please God Please.