Deep Inside My Womb… October 31, 2005

You find this.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Remember the movie Cinderella? (Note to self: Need to buy DVD for Magdalena. Must have movie. heh) Anyway, the song A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes has been floating in my mind for the last day or two. I’ve been remembering my dream about the little boy I gave birth to. Anyway, I looked up the lyrics and found they were so appropriate for my situation right now.

“A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true”
– Disney Cinderella

This morning I went in for my ultrasound. It was a trying night, because my mind was filled with random thoughts, multiple heartbeats, bleeding, no sac. Anything you could imagine.

My ultrasound was so good though. There is one good sized sac, fetal pole and yolk intact. There appears to be another smaller sac that could be a blood clot or a vanishing twin. Either way, we are over the moon that there is a healthy baby in there. Baby measured 6w1d (right on track for my calculations, 1 day ahead by thiers) and we saw the fluttering of a heartbeat! It’s early,so it was hard to see, but the nurse and I both definitely saw fluttering! I convinced Dr. H to bring me back in next week for an ultrasound. yay! He said he’d probably see me one more time, and then send me to my OB. Probably just in time to hear baby on doppler. Now is where you hear me (and Erich) breathing a giant sigh of relief. (Erich is over the moon that there is only ONE! heh.)

Dr. H came into the room said “good job! my nurse tells me you’d like to come in every day for an u/s” heh. Yeah, I’ve been a bit nervous. But knowing that things are going just according to plan, that there is a sac of appropriate size and a tiny fluttering heart, sets me at ease. Now it’s time to enjoy my pregnancy that is not making me vomit daily (so far).

**yawn** October 24, 2005

I have never known exhaustion like this. It almost hurts! Anyway, Allison asked when my due date is. We are looking at June 25, 2006 ish. If there is more than one baby in there, I will most likely have another section and will deliver early. If only one baby, I would like to VBAC, but there are a lot of things that need to be thought out first and a lot more conversations with both my husband and my OB.

June 22 is Erichs birthday. I’m really excited for him because I know that he thinks that is pretty cool. I do know that I will make sure not to have a baby on the 22nd. That just isn’t fair!

The main pregnancy symptom at this point is exhaustion. It doesn’t help that yesterday I worked a 16 hour shift at the assisted living place. I went in yesterday at 3pm and came home this morning at 7am. Erich brought Magdalena to see me after she woke from her nap at 5 and then they went home and had some quality one on one time. Erich really needed that as he misses his baby. Afterwards he gave her a bath and then she went to bed without fuss. I’m trying not to beat myself up for not being there for her bedtime. She was in more than capable hands and things appear to have gone really well. I really needed to work this shift for our family so I’m trying to reassure myself.

But being awake for close to 23 hours is not easy for a woman how is 5 weeks pregnant. At about 2am I thought I was dying. Seriously. Then the woman wanted to go to the bathroom so I some how got my 6th wind or so and carried on.

I really haven’t had any nausea. Yes, there have been waves of nausea, but not the all day awful feeling I felt with Magdalena at this point. I’m trying to tell myself that this is okay, that things are fine, and that baby is fine too. I’m trying not to worry, but it is awfully hard.

There have been waves of nausea, and there is definitely that feeling of wanting to eat the things you can’t have. (That’s Erichs favorite part of pregnancy! hahaha!) I have to talk myself into things. Like yesterday, Erich brought me some leftover beef noodles. Normally, beef noodles sound like heaven. But it took me a good hour to convince myself that those noodles would be delicious!

I’m also having the symptom of pregnancy where you are eating something that is SO delicious until the end of the meal where you start thinking “this is awful, why am I eating this?”

I seem to have a heightened sense of smell this time. There were all sorts of smells floating around the Assisted Living place,and took a lot of my strength to ignore them as they were making my tummy turn.

And last but certainly not least, my uterus has appeared out of nowhere. At first I thought it was my swollen ovaries, but they seem to have deflated a bit. While my button pants still fit, they bother me something terrible. I’ve switched to my elastic waisted pants. It is way to early to be turning my regular pants away. It’s like I got pregnant, and my uterus exclaimed, “finally! I now have a reason to free myself of that drafty old pelvis. It is much nicer up here!” Or alternatively, my uterus could have four or five babies and is just growing accordingly. hahhahaha. Really I’m laughing, ha ha ha…

Anyway, 7 days until next Monday’s u/s. Anyone have ANY recommendations on how I can help myself feel like this pregnancy isn’t failing? Ugh.

I Remember This… October 19, 2005

This mornings beta was 319. So it looks like this baby is a keeper. One nurse thinks there **may** be two babies in there. I say the more the merrier, but Erich being the primary bread winner gets a bit nervous at that prospect. I know we have enough baby girl clothes to clothe at least three girls simultaneously and enough blue/gender neutral to last at least a year. I know that my mom is likely to go crazy again, so I see no problems in that front. And since I’m so anti formula, we don’t have to worry about that. So no problems, until you know they start eating food. heh.

Anyway,u/s is scheduled for October 31st. Then another u/s (I believe?) at 8 weeks and I’m free to go to my own OB! By Christmas, I’ll be out of the nightmare that is the first 12 weeks. That isn’t bad, now is it? Time will fly since Halloween ( u/s)is in less than two weeks, then we have Thanksgiving (another u/s, released to OB), then Christmas (end of first 12 weeks), and January is Magdalena’s birthday. See? Time is going to fly! Yay!

The nausea is coming in waves, though still not as bad as with Magdalena. I wish it were worse though, so I felt better. I do feel better after the second beta, and I’m going to sit back and relax. Baby is fine, right? I am exhausted though. We got home from going to see a baby (remember my friend who was due now) and the blood draw, and I was ready to fall down into bed.

Yesterday I opened up the fridge, starving, and thought “oh yeah, I remember this.” Nothing looked good. I really wanted some Franks Red Hot Sauce , the vinegar taste was calling me. I thought a hamburger to put the sauce on it, but we had no beef. I have a major hankering for beef, just like with Magdalena. So looking through the fridge, I see some cottage cheese and think, cottage cheese with some franks red hot sound DELICIOUS! And it was my friends. Though now it doesn’t sound as good, but believe me, it was. Why is that you can be so hungry, but nothing in your fridge sounds good, but everything NOT in your fridge sounds fabulous. Ugh.

I got an offer to go sit with an older man at the assisted living place tonight. He takes himself to the potty and stuff (yay!) he just needs to be watches so he doesn’t leave the apartment and get hurt. It’s going to be a long night. I’m going out there at about 8pm and I’ll be home around 7am-ish. I’ll take my knitting to pass the time. My mom is going to come and watch Magalena, give her a bath and play with her until Erich gets home. I’m going to miss snuggling with my family, but I’ll make it. I need to, the money is to good to pass up.

I want to thank you all for the well wishes, the crossed limbs, the positive vibes, and all of the excitement. It meant so much to me and Erich to see all of the excited people. I’m going to print them all off and save them for the future baby book, so this little person knows how excited everyone was to know s/he was on the way. I sincerely believe this would never have happened without your support and well wishes. I’m truly, truly blessed.

The Results Are In October 17, 2005

I couldn’t sleep last night. I tossed and turned. Around 4:30am I just lay in bed listening to Erich and Magdalena sleeping. I was so scared I wasn’t going to wake up. And I was thinking about the inevitable.

I arrived at the clinic at 7:40am. I was supposed to be there between 8am and 9am. I can never predict the traffic. Sometimes it’s heavy, other times it light. I was called back into the office at 8:15. Immediately after drawing my blood, I felt like crying. It was awful. They said they would call in 3 hours.

Erich left for a service call when I got home, and I spent the next 2 hours facing the facts that I wasn’t bleeding because of the progesterone. I cried a bit to get myself ready for the awful phone call that was to come. I talked to my grandparents and they wanted me to meet them at the dentists office.

I went over to the dentists office. Magdalena razzled and dazzled everyone. I was talking to the receptionist and my phone rang. I immediately said “I need to answer that!” I walked away from the counter and answered the phone.

The phone call was the call. It was Jaime, the nurse, calling. She sounded very happy and I was a bit peeved that she would sound so happy when she was calling to tell me bad news. She said,” we have the results in Suzanne! Congratulations, you’re pregnant!” I immediately started crying hysterically. All of the emotions of the month came flooding and I just couldn’t hold back the flood gates. I had myself so convinced that it was negative and that I had wasted one entire year of my life trying to make a baby. The beta came back at 158. I’m officially pregnant.

The Post Where I Go Insane October 16, 2005

It’s 6:30pm. 13.5 hours till my blood draw. Magdalena and I are home alone. Erich had a service call. I’m anxiously waiting for him to call me and tell me he’s on his way home so I can start dinner. We are going to have enchiladas and spanish rice. We are really tight on money so Erich told me to start being creative. His exact words were “pretend you’re the Iron Chef, you love that show!” Alrighty then.

Last night was full of more bizarre dreams. I kept dreaming about not making it to the clinic in time, and the refused to draw my blood. I remember I was at home getting ready to leave and it was 8:30 when I realized I needed to be there between 8am and 9am and it takes almost an hour to get there. Thinking about it kinda stresses me out. I’m sure I’ll be on time and I’m sure if I were late they would draw my blood, but it still makes me wanna be the first one in the door. Then maybe my blood will be the first in the machine.

So a fellow clinic person who went to this doctor said they called by noon with pregnancy tests. Seriously if I have to wait until 3pm, I may go batty. I need to remember to stick my cell phone on the charger.

I am in the process of making my Mama Pads. I finally got the design right with something that I love. I’m making a dozen of them and then I’ll probably tweek the pattern a bit more before I sell them. Who wants beautiful Mama Pads? My pads will be done tonight, so I’ll post a pic of them.

I’m trying to talk myself into two things. I’m trying to tell myself that I will be okay if I have to bleed. No big deal. Just isn’t the right time, right? I’m also trying to talk myself into being an optimist and thinking positive thoughts. I’m so torn that I have no clue what I think! Is it Monday yet?

I haven’t taken a pregnancy test. I’ve been very very tempted today, but I’ve been a very good girl.

Okay, I don’t think that I can ramble anymore. Send good thoughts. Though at this point, everything has already been decided. I just want it to go my way, ya know? I can still smell that tiny baby in my dream and feel his soft skin.

Video

Here’s a short video of Magdalena this morning. Please ignore the mess, she drags all of her toys to the living room and then at the end of the day I pick it all up. And my knitting is on the table to because I am so close to finishing her sweater.

In the video, Magdalena is eating cottage cheese (Erich let her eat it in the LR not me!) and she is putting spoonfulls on the floor for Gracy (the dog) to eat. You can kinda see Gracy moving around eating the food, but she blends into the darkness.

The Dream October 15, 2005

When I was TTC the first time around, I had a dream about a beautiful brown eyed toddler girl that ran around the house filling it with laughter. That little girl is Magdalena, she matches the picture in my head perfectly. That dream will forever be burned into my brain and it seemed like a gift from some greater power when she came true.

Last night, I had this dream that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in the kitchen. I remember seeing the kitchen floor, and this teeny tiny baby sliding out of my body. I asked Erich to get something to cut the cord, and he handed me the kitchen scissors. The baby was so beautiful and I held him to my chest and smelled his sweet head. After we were detached, I took him upstairs where I washed his hair and cleaned him up. I put him in a kissaluv diaper and the tiny newborn wool wrap that I have and looked at him. He looked exactly like Magdalena did as a baby and I remember my heart feeling full as if it were going to burst.

I’ve been thinking about the dream all day. Feeling that tiny baby against my skin. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it to. I can only hope that it was another gift from above.

Keeping Busy October 14, 2005

I’m trying to keep busy. I’m very proud of myself as I haven’t “cheated” and taken a HPT yet. And I’m not going to. If they tell me I’m pregnant on Monday, then I will probably take a test so I can see those two lines. I kept the test with Magdalena, wrapped it in plastic and put in a baggy where it now lives in her baby box. I know that is kinda gross, but I feel like I worked so hard to get those two lines, and I wanted to keep that prize. It’s only fair that I do that the next time.

I need to sew my Mama Pads. I’ve neglected to do that every month and I feel like I really need to do that. Maybe if I actually get them done, I won’t need them. A girl can hope, right? I also have a special embroidery project that needs to be done by Monday just in case things go our way.

I reorganized our kitchen the other day to get our toaster oven out and accessible. When Erichs grandparents sold their house in MO (then moved into Senior Living in TX near a son) I noticed they had a nice toaster oven, sparkling clean, and in the original box. I mentioned to Aunt Jan and my MIL that I would really like a toaster oven, but thought nothing beyond that. I was very surprised a week or two later when my in-laws brought it over. But I’ve never really found a good place to put it where it was accessible until yesterday. I’m excited about having it to use. I was able to clear out the toaster since the toaster oven will take that job over. I made Erich some sandwiches and froze them. Now all he has to do is pop it in the oven.

On today’s agenda is making an apple crisp (I’m having a major craving) and making banana muffins. The muffins will be wrapped in foil and frozen. They’ll make an excellent snack or quick breakfast for Magdalena and Erich. This morning I made English Muffin Bread and later I’ll be using it to assemble some egg and cheese sandwiches, which will be frozen. Erich will be able to pop those in the toaster oven in the mornings when he has early jobs, and be able to eat those instead of stopping at McD’s.

Right now Magdalena is napping, T is at school, and I have a baked potato in the toaster oven. Soon I’ll be eating a meal without anyone asking for a bite of it. That is true luxury my friends.

Yada Yada Yada October 12, 2005

I’ve started using Live Journal for some more intimate posts. If you have a LJ username and would like to be able to read that journal, just leave your username in the comments. I do have veto rights, but there shouldn’t be any problems with 99% of your reading.

Erich and I took Magdalena up to Michigan City, IN on Monday. Since it was a bank holiday, Erich had the day off and we were able to enjoy a little mini road trip. I went and picked up some things for Magdalena and Lili at the Hanna Anderson outlet store. Magdalena’s snowsuit was ordered from there also and should be here soon along with a playdress/daydress, leggings, and some pj’s. I’m uploading pictures on my flickr account. You need to be a friend to see the ones of Magdalena though. And for your viewing pleasure I’ll post a video for you here.

Magdalena had fun running in the sand barefoot. It was pretty windy out there but it was still nice. Erich said we couldn’t leave without letting Magdalena dip her toes in Lake Michigan. (brrr! That lake is cold!) She didn’t really enjoy the dipping, but she did enjoy chasing Daddy!

ETA: Everyone who left their LJ name has been added. You should be able to see me when you look at the manage friends screen. Manda, I’ve emailed you. Dianna, could you make sure I added the right name.